Dyfunctional Fairytale #2:Snow White
by Kurisuta R.L. NightHawk
Summary: This is simply how I believe the original fairytale should have been written. It is not meant to discriminate,tease,or abuse anyone or thing. It is simply for entertainment purposes only.Please review it for a good chuckle or two. [written by the author w


The True Story of Snow White  
  
Well,we all know the story of Cinderella don't we? Well forget it.And we all THINK we know about Beauty and the Beast..wrong. But one story,that we definetly don't know the truth to is Snow White.So this is the story,I'm gonna lay it all out on the line for ya.So listen up!  
Way way back,in once upon a time time...there lived a handsome king.Now the king isn't terribly beneficial to the plot line.But he does matter for atleast a few sentences.But anyway, this story is supposed to be about his wife.So anyway, the King was named Humphrey. Now King Humphrey married a beautiful Queen.Her name was Mildred.Now even though Mildred is a terrible name...the Queen was pretty.(And I'm sorry if your name is Mildred)  
So anways,back to the story.Mildred and Humphrey had a daughter.She was very beautiful and her name was Quanita.Now I know you think it was Snow White..well yadda yadda..Snow White was NOT her name.Would you name your kid a noun and an adjective?I don't think so.Well if you would,please, seek help.  
So back to the story once again. Quanita was a terribly gorgeous girl (pardon the dichotomy). Quanita had pretty blue eyes and deep ebony hair as black as night.Her skin was as white as the ivory winter's snow.BUT she was NOT named Snow White..and one could not possibly imagine why.  
Quanita's mother became ill when she was young,and died early.The child had barely known her.So Quanita's carefree life continued for 3 or 4 years...I always forget the numbers.The young beauty played in the woods and grew to know all of it's animals.But she did NOT sing to them like the Walt Disney picture depicts,however.So anyways, Quanita grew to love the animals and etc, so forth.  
In 2 years..or 3..like I said..my memory is bad on numbers...King Humphrey married a new woman.She was evil..i mean rotten to the very marrow in her bones..Her name was *dramatic reverb music from soap operas* Devilla. So Queen Devilla was evil..now that that matter is straight and all...  
Devilla did not like Quanita's innocent ways.So,she decided to change that.And she sent Quanita to a boarding school in Timbuktu.Now,with Quanita out of the picture,Queen Devilla had the proper resources to perform her evil deeds in solitude. Devilla poisoned King Humphrey.When the good king died,Devilla,being the only kin in the country, took over the rule.  
So anyways,when Quanita heard, she hopped a TWA flight..(not 800) and went screaming for Fairytale Land.When Quanita arrived,Devilla sent the dogs after her.Quanita was chased off into the forest. Devilla figured on never seeing her step-daughter again.And so it was to be.  
But let us stay with Devilla.She did NOT have a talking mirror..she had a magic eight ball.So anyways, Devilla asked the Magic 8 Ball if she would ever be prettier than Quanita. The 8 Ball said "maybe",and this ticked Devilla off greatly. So the evil queen told the mirror to monitor the princess.  
Now back to Quanita..  
The young princess was about 20 now a-days..and terribly attractive. She wandered off into the forest,coming across a small duplex development.And no..no dwarves lived here.There were 9 midgets yes,but 7 dwarves,no. The midgets had escaped from the circus and were trying to make it big as psychics.  
But anyways, Quanita looked at the little duplex.Quaint,she thought to herself.Now the manager was a big bad wolf who married a wife, Little Red something or other..and they shared the ownership with the girl's granny. But that's not important to the story. Little Red something or other was a dental hygenist and the wolf owned a popular restaurant chain called "Fricaseed Little Pigs".  
So Quanita spoke with the Granny Slum lord.And she asked for a temporary contract.The old hag granted it to her,but said she'd have to live with 9 little men. Quanita agreed and signed a lease.  
Quanita moved in with the 9 midgets. For about 3 or 4 years, as afore mentioned,I'm not a number person, the 10 lived happily together.But let's not rule out Devilla yet! She asked the 8 ball where Quanita was. The 8 ball answered "Maybe" once more. Stupid Devilla didn't seem to remember that Magic 8 balls can only answer easy questions with one word answers.  
So finally,the fool threw it out. She then got a new book "Murdering your Stepdaughter: for Dummies".She read up and concocted the perfect get rid quick scheme.  
One day, when the midgets had gone to work with Miss Cleo and the land lords were out, the evil step mother showed up.She dressed herself like a girl scout. When she rung the bell, she put on her best smile. Now our heroine, Quanita answered the door.She smiled at the 'girl scout'. Devilla asked if she could use Quanita's telephone. Quanita shook her head and mentioned "Telephones haven't been invented yet..Alexander Graham Bell hasn't been born" then added.."Nice try" and slammed the door in her face.  
Devilla went home and decided to trash that book. So she got a new one "Chicken Soup for the Evil Villain's Spineless Soul". She had a new fool-proof plan.  
The next day, Devilla showed up at the same time, dressed as a trick-or-treater.She was dressed as A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.And Devilla rang the bell. Quanita dutifully answered. Devilla screamed out "Trick or Treat!". Quanita then shook her head. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles don't exist for another few centuries or so...again...nice try..very creative." and then,once again, the door was slammed in Devilla's face.  
Devilla decided to make her own plan,using the ultimate power tool..the INTERNET! BWAAHAHA! but alas..Bill Gates was not born yet..so that plan went straight to the recycle bin. So Devilla sat and thought.Then she decided to read a book..by the brothers Grimm. It was Entitled.. "fairytales".Devilla desperately flipped to a story,one entitled "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".  
So Devilla disguised herself as a witch and grabbed a bunch of freshly picked crap-apples.She placed them in a basket and caught a subway train to the forest.Then,she tried one last time.Devilla rang the bell and again,Quanita answered.She was hooked.  
Quanita bought an apple for $39.99..plus shipping and handling of course..and federal fairytale Land tax.And as soon as she bit into it,she ripped out her bridgework and a few fillings.Quanita then fainted,a piece getting caught in her throat.  
Devilla evily cackled all the way home,forgetting her asthma.And she hacked and sneezed int he ragweed fields around the castle.She dug the 8 ball out of the trash compactor and asked it a question."Magic 8 Ball in my hand,will Devilla be the fairest in the land?" again..the 8 ball answered "maybe".  
When the 9 escaped circus midgets returned home,they found Quanita and took her to the hospital.The doctors told them to give her the hymlich maneuver.And so they went home and tried to resucitate theier incapacitated romomate.And a handsome Prince named Prince Charles..no..that's not right..Prince Charmed-to-Meet-You showed up.Then he shook Quanita awake,choked the crab-apple right from her throat.  
Quanita woke right up..and the two eloped.And the 9 circus midgets returned to the circus.The Big Bad Wolf and Little Red something or other moved to a beach in Alaska. As for the Slum Lord Grandmother,she stayed at the Motel 6 down the street from them.  
You may be wondering what happened about Devilla.  
Let's just say,that she wound up flipping burgers..and saying "Would you like Fries with that..." but that's the extent of it. She was stripped of her Queening License and was forced to move to Queens,.NY..there,she became the Queen of burgers and grease.So that's the true story. And it's Quanita...NOT SNOW WHITE. Quanita and the 9 escaped circus midgets...remember that. 


End file.
